December 19, 2013

Living Proof

Drunk driving. Smoking. Drugs. Careless. Reckless. Hurtful. Hurting. Alcohol abusing. Law breaking. Bitter. Angry. Depressed. Flippant. Vulgar. Lost.

Those are just a few words I can use to describe the girl I was about 11 years ago. I can't even really form complete sentences to describe what my life used to be like. I lived in that pit for about 8 years. No one who knows me now can believe I could have come from such darkness. But I did.

About 2 years ago, my mom was cleaning out her basement and found a box of my old things. In it, was probably 20 of my old journals. I started writing when I was in 6th grade. The journals stayed in that box in my basement until yesterday morning. I pulled them out and slowly started reading. It was like a train wreck. I hated what I was reading, but I couldn't stop looking.

Those journals are the only remaining tangible evidence I have of who I used to be, save for maybe a few pictures I haven't ripped up, burned or thrown out yet. They are the only things that link the woman I am today with the reckless, lost, mess of a girl that I used to be.

I know I wrote about it one time before a few years ago, but it bears repeating. Jesus has changed my life. He flipped it upside down, turned it around 180 degrees. One day I was living in darkness and the next day I was walking in the Light. Simple as that. He called my name and I answered. I did an about-face. With a pivot of my heel, I began walking in a different direction, and I've never looked back.

Sometimes I'm just left speechless that this is my life now. This. This beautiful, wonderful, grace-filled, joyful, blessed, good life is mine. I've done nothing, absolutely nothing, to deserve the life I have now. Every day, every single day I am grateful. I'm grateful because I'm His. Because I'm whole. Because I am saved. I'm grateful because I know what I've been saved from. 

And if anyone ever tells you that Jesus doesn't have the power to transform, redeem, pick up the pieces, save, change lives or free someone from darkness, you just have them come talk to me.

The past 24 hours I've been wrestling with whether or not to keep the journals. They're sitting in the garbage right now. Part of me doesn't want the filth that's in them sitting in my house any longer. Part of me wants to keep them, after all, they're the proof, the physical evidence of the change that's occurred in my life. I sort of want that tangible reminder of where I've come from, how far I've come.

But at the same time, keeping them makes me feel uneasy. The devil wants to use those pages to inflict fear upon me. I've already heard him whisper "you're just a few bad choices away from going back into that pit, girl." He wants nothing more than to demoralize me, drag me down and bind me up in darkness again.

I guess regardless of whether those journals stay in my basement or at the bottom of a landfill, I know the truth. I know where I've come from. I know that I am forever changed. The last 11 years are not just tangible proof, but living proof of that. I'm living proof that Jesus changes lives.




9 comments:

Amanda said...

Wow, Becky! I had NO IDEA! I mean, I would never have known, or suspected anything like this was a part of your past! You're absolutely right... you are living proof! Congrats on eleven years with the one who calls you beloved!

Infertile625 said...

I never realized how similar we are. My past is eerily similar. Worth an entry .... One day. As for my journals. I burned them while thanking god for all the good things I now had and being grateful for where I am while remembering where I could be. It was closure.

Caroline said...

Wow! So cool to hear! God makes all things new! You are living example of 2 Corin 5:17! Thanks for sharing with us and hope you get a peace about what to do with those journals. PS I love that Beth Moores ministry is called Living Proof ;)

Elisha Kearns said...

I loved this!! God makes all things new!! Praise God!! I think you should toss them in the trash...because God has also tossed your old life in the trash :) He no longer remembers it and neither should you :) It's gone. It's erased. Hugs!

Elisha Kearns said...

i just saw that Caroline and I write "God makes all things new"...we really are twinkies sometimes

Jennifer said...

Friend, I love you. I'm thankful that I can read this and I know exactly those emotions, those moments you speak of. I'm thrilled that we both made it through those times to find fresh air, freedom, and beauty. I'm thankful for you, and that God placed you in my life.

shelleystursma said...

I have a dear friend who struggled early in her marriage--she likes to say, "We were *this close* to splittin' up the spoons". She journaled during that difficult time, and chose to keep her journals to illustrate to her daughters how God got them through some really trying years. I can see why you might want to get rid of them, but also why keeping them may be a good idea.

Christine said...

I love this! What a beautiful testimony! I love the power of Christ's love and his ability to change HEARTS. :) God is good. I'm so glad he saved you and like Jenn said, I'm glad he brought you to be our friend.

Jessah @ Dreaming of Dimples said...

Wow, Becky. I would have never guessed. I'm glad you're relationship with God has brought you to higher ground.

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Hi friends, my name is Becky and this is my journey through running a photography business, being a loving wife, 4+ years infertility, traveling and adventuring with my dear husband, following hard after Jesus and seeking out joy in every area of my life. I'm glad you're here!

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