December 13, 2013


Look at me go! 2 posts in 48 hours! You'd think maybe it was my off-season or that I had a lot on my mind or something ;)

I just sent a long winded email to my friend Caroline over at In Due Time about, well quite frankly, how her faith makes me uncomfortable. It makes me squirm in my seat when I read some of the incredible things she writes. That girl has some crazy strong faith and I'm trying desperately to get to where she's at with believing God will perform a miracle on our behalf.

I've been doing Beth Moore's Believing God Bible study with a group of wonderful women and this study is pushing me to my limits. It's stretching me and making me uncomfortable. I've always seen myself as a woman with very strong faith, in fact faith is one of my top spiritual gifts! But I'm learning through this study just how much room for growth there is in my heart. There's a lot of room. 

January will officially be year #4 of trying for a family for David and I. We've been through a lot. And we're now at the point where we're 100% done with western medicine's approach to getting pregnant. We were told IVF was our only option if we wanted biological children. But IVF is dangerous for me to do, I'm not a very strong candidate, and quite frankly, we both feel like it is not something God is asking us to do. At all. 

At this point, all other options have been exhausted. We've done all the testing. We've tried all the meds and hormones. We've done all the procedures and biopsies, acupuncture, vitamins, dietary changes and surgeries. It's down to God's desire to pull out a miracle for us. 

I want to believe so so so so so bad that He'll do it. I believe God can do crazy things. Big, crazy, unpredictable, awesome, miraculous things. I've seen it happen before in my life. Heck, we had one of the biggest miracles of our entire marriage happen this summer when David got a new job just days after losing his old one. Not only that, but it's a good job, a stable job, one that he enjoys. Talk about a big fat miracle, one that I am beyond grateful for every. single. day.

But sometimes I hit a brick wall, because while I believe very strongly that God can perform a miracle on our behalf.... I just don't know if He will Somehow, I have to get a point where I can reconcile God's ability and God's will. I know that when those two things line up, miracles occur.

I want a faith where I can proclaim that He is going to bring us a family. I want a faith where I can claim this as truth, so sure of His ability and His will aligning in our favor

But I'm scared to have a faith like that. And I often question if this fear is what is standing in the way of me and my miracle. Maybe God is just waiting for me to be 110% on board in believing and trusting that He not only can allow me to get pregnant, but that He is also willing. Oh that thought brings me to my knees.

I've been reading different accounts of healing that Jesus did in his ministry and two have stood out to me recently. The first is a leper that can be found in Matthew 8:1-3, Mark 1:39-41 and Luke 5:11-13. He approaches Jesus, falls to the ground and says "Lord if you're willing, you can make me clean" and Jesus responds "I am willing." The leper knew Jesus was able, otherwise he wouldn't have asked. And Jesus didn't even hesitate before he said "I am willing."

The other account is of the woman with a bleeding disorder in Matthew 9:18-23, Mark 5:23-34, Luke 8:43-48. She didn't even bother to ask if Jesus was willing. She just knew he could heal her and she reached out and touched his cloak and was healed. And Jesus told her that her faith had healed her.

Both the woman and leper knew Jesus could heal them. One asked if he was willing and one didn't. Both were healed. I see myself in each of these people. Just as the leper asked, I can't help but wonder "you are able Lord, but are you also willing?" and I desire to be like the woman, who had a faith so strong that she knew Jesus could and would heal her. One thing I want to learn from both of these people who experienced healing, is how to have the courage to at least approach the throne.

Beth Moore says so convictingly, "Dear one, we can't let our fear that God may not affirmatively answer our every prayer keep us from praying." Which is kinda where I've been lately. I've just stopped praying about it because I'm afraid to hear His answer. I honestly don't know how to get to where I want to be with my faith regarding asking and believing for our miracle. This is complicated stuff!

All I know is that we're on a journey and I don't think we've reached the end yet. Faith is hard sometimes. While I'm feeling uncomfortable with my faith be stretched like it has been lately, I'm hanging on to the things that I can claim right now: that He is good, that He loves me, that He has a masterful plan set out before me, and that hopefully it will all make sense one day and maybe somewhere in between then and now, we'll get our miracle.


Elisha Kearns said...

Oh girl I wish I could come over and tell you that God wants to bless you, prosper you, and give you all of His treasures probably more than you want them because that is how loving and kind He is. He sent Jesus on the Earth to not only redeem us, but to SHOW us who He is. Jesus went around and healed ALL who came to Him. He never made anyone poor or took anything good away from them. When He fed the 5,000 and 4,000, there were baskets and baskets left over. He wanted to prove that He can provide MORE than what we ask for or what we even NEED. He desires to give us our wants. He is more than able. He is willing. Faith is the hand that reaches up and takes the blessings from God. So use the faith that you have, think about His goodness day in and day out and take from Him what you need because the price has already been paid and the blessings are ours to take. I had to take healing scriptures and plaster them on my bathroom mirror, car speedometer, etc and say them, think about them, and study them until they became so real to me that if you were to tell me right now that I can't be healed of PCOS and I wont have my own children I would laugh at you and say, "you are the crazy one". I didn't use to be like that. I doubted, cried, and rode the emotional roller coaster each month my cycle started. So keep doing what you are doing. Kepp studying those stories until God reveals to you in such a way that He is able AND willing. Hugs to you!

Aubrey said...

I just want you to know I'm praying for you, too. Faith is a wonderful but difficult thing to hold onto during a journey of infertility. I understand that all too well. XOXO

Caroline said...

Yes Yes!! Faith is walking in what we can't see, but we know is true!! Rest in His word sweet girl! Rest in the fact that He is the same yesterday, today and forever and He withholds no perfect gift from those who walk in Him!! Hallelujah :)

Christine said...

Beautiful post. Brought tears to my eyes. Faith is a tricky thing. Especially when you have no clue what God's plan is when it comes to pain and long,confusing journeys. I love your faith, and I love that you're so vulnerable on here. Hold on to his promises and trust his heart and his character even when you don't understand what he's doing. As for me, I'm still praying for that miracle for you. :)

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