Aligning

It's been over 3 years since we started our journey towards having a family. 3 years. Sometimes I just have to let that sink in a little bit. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would still be trying to get pregnant after 37 months.

The first 2.5 years of this journey were hard. They were full of waiting, charting, wondering, frustration,  temping, medical tests, tears and just general pain. I lived month to month, cycle to cycle. With each negative pregnancy test, I dove deeper and deeper into trying to take control of this process. Well maybe if I take this vitamin or drink POM juice or eat pineapple core or wake up at 3:45 to temp or do this or do that....maybe then I'll get pregnant. I prayed continually that this would be our month, that God would allow this month to the be the month we got pregnant. But in reality, I was asking that He would put His plan on hold and bless my plan. 

I was swimming upstream, against the current. I was doing everything in my own power to make things happen. Each month, I tried harder and harder. The harder I tried, the more epic the fail. It was exhausting!

But I slowly started to get the message...God has chosen for infertility to be a part of my story. It's not something I would have chosen myself, but that doesn't really matter. It's a part of my life now, like it or not. So I had a choice. I could choose to align with God's plan for me. Or I could choose to continue fighting against it in my own power.

I chose to align.

For me, aligning with His plan means accepting that infertility is going to be a part of my life. Even after I become a mom one day, infertility will still stick with me. After three years, it's not something that just goes away in the blink of an eye. Aligning means coming along side God and saying "I trust you with this. May your will be done Lord, and may you strengthen me in the process."

It doesn't mean that I'm letting infertility "win" or that I've stopped trying. Heck, we're in the middle of an IUI cycle right now! But it does mean that my efforts to take control of everything have been halted. I've been adopting a mentality of "let's just see where this journey takes us."

To be perfectly honest, there have been some incredible blessings that have come out of my journey with infertility. I got to travel to Alaska. I have always been a patient person, but now I'm a really patient person. :) I've made new friends through this journey (hi Kim!) and I've grown closer to friends who have also walked this road (hi Stacy! hi Megan! hi Christine! hi Lindsay!). My faith is stronger, my marriage is stronger, my heart is stronger, my resolve is stronger. I've learned a lot about perseverance. I've gained immense perspective on life, money, love, family, God, pain, hope, joy and blessings. I'm a different woman than I was January 2010 and I like this version a lot better.

I guess what I'm saying is, infertility isn't all bad. Good things can come out of it, and you can recognize those things if you have the right perspective. Do I wish I had a baby right now? Of course. But just because I don't doesn't mean I won't one day. And when that day comes, I want to make sure I've used this journey to become a better person, a better woman, a better mom. And for me, the only way that will happen is by aligning myself with Jesus, walking step in step with Him on this path. And hopefully, one of these days, our path will turn a corner and I'll find myself face to face with a blessing that makes our family complete.

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