Back in the Game

I have really enjoyed our break that we've taken since my ectopic pregnancy in August (has it really been over 3 months?!). It's been absolutely wonderful to not have to go to Dr. B's office, or think about anything infertility related. This break has given us time to heal, emotionally and physically. We've spent our days grateful to have each other and enjoying the simple things, like picking out a Christmas tree together and watching football games with our family.

To be totally honest, we hadn't really even talked about what moving forward would look like. Neither of us have brought up Dr. B or IUIs or anything like that for weeks. Until last weekend when we went up to the mountains for our birthday trip. We grabbed lunch at Chipotle before leaving town and we wound up sitting next to a mom with her little boy. I only looked at them twice, just a brief glance as we grabbed our seats and when we left. When we were done, we got in the car and I burst into tears.

A hibernating desire had been awoken in my heart.

I want to get pregnant  I want to stay pregnant. I want to have a family. And I'm not willing to let the pain of this journey, the pain of what we've been through in the last 3 years deter me. I'm not willing to walk away. (**Note: I know everyone woman going through infertility is on their own journey. These journeys are incomparable. I am not judging anyone who has chosen to stop battling infertility. I am just talking about my own personal journey here.)

Now I understand that infertility is clearly one of God's plans for my life. And I don't want to spend an ounce of energy fighting something that God has intended me to go through. I want to align with His plan for my life, accept that infertility is part of it, and keep moving forward. But aligning with His plan of infertility does not mean giving up on the hope of a family. It does not mean that we can't continue to pursue treatment. In fact, some of the greatest areas I've grown in the past 3 years have come out of the disappointment involved with pursuing treatment. The disappointment and pain we've gone through has grown me and matured me in so many ways. It has taught me things that I never would have learned if I had just quit and said "ok, infertility wins."

And so the ball started rolling. David and I began to talk about what moving forward would look like, what we're comfortable with, what we're afraid of and what we want to do. I've been on a waiting list for donated medication since this summer and got an email 2 weeks ago that I had been matched for almost 2 IUIs worth of injectible medication. I got the email right before I had my Chipotle meltdown. Both of which started to open the door for lots of conversations and decisions.

So, we've decided that come January, we're back in the game. Lord willing, we'll begin our 4th IUI after the New Year!

But before we can jump into IUIs, I have to have another HSG done (yay! can't wait! super excited!). Since I only have one tube remaining, he wants to make sure it's in perfect shape before we start throwing money into treatments. He wants to make sure to the best of his abilities, that we will not have a reoccurrence of the tragedy that happened with our last IUI. Once you've had one tubal pregnancy, you're at a greater risk for another and he wants to cover all his bases and make sure this tube is healthy and I'm safe, which I can appreciate. So my HSG (have I mentioned this is my third one?!) is scheduled for December 17th. I'm trying to look at it positively: I know it's a good thing, I know it is being done in order to protect me, I am grateful that I've met my deductible for the year (and then some haha!) and if all else fails, there's still that little myth floating around out there about post-HSG fertility being higher haha! ;-)