The Desert

We needed to get out of town again in the worst way. Ever since our trip to Texas, we've been plotting our next little adventure. This time, we decided on Moab Utah for a little peace and relaxation in the desert! We've been to Moab several times, but we've never visited Canyonlands National Park, so that was our ultimate destination.

The last time we were in Moab together, we had grand plans for visiting Canyonlands. But then David had some buddies come into town and they talked him into a 25 mile mountain bike ride instead. And they talked me into shuttling them around to do it. Not exactly the way I had hoped our day would go! David felt a little guilty about the whole thing and promised me a trip back. So this was kind of "Becky's trip" where he let me do whatever I wanted. Yipee! :)

We decided to camp during our stay there. Unfortunately, none of the campgrounds take reservations, so we just had to drive in blindly and hope we found a spot. Luckily, we came in on a Wednesday so it wasn't too crowded and we found a beautiful camping spot that sat up on a little ridge and looked over part of the Park.

After we set up camp, we headed over to Gemini Bridges, which is a really cool spot! David had ridden over there and he said it was definitely a place to check out. He was right! Gemini Bridges is amazing and scary all at the same time. Essentially, it's a bridge made out of rock with a few hundred feet drop on either side of it. Pretty cool!

Ha! I love how far away David is from the edge and he's still doing the "flying leap" pose. I saw this pose several times on our trip ;)

The weather called for a 0% chance of rain and sunny skies. So of course we decided not to put our rainfly on over our tent. And of course, it started to rain around midnight our first night. That's just our luck folks, just our luck. After a short and slightly wet night's sleep, we got up early and headed into Canyonlands. The first day, we decided to explore the Island in the Sky District (there are 3 "districts" that are all about 2-6 hours away from each other in Canyonlands). We did about 5 or 6 short hikes and got to see some beautiful views!

 Mesa Arch was really cool! The buses full of European tourists were not! We even saw a drunk man climb on top of the arch to get a picture. He was absolutely obnoxious, yelling at everyone, telling everyone to "get out of his shot." His legs were so wobbly and he lost his balance numerous times. I thought for sure we'd be seeing him plumet 1,000 feet to his death. But he lived. Doesn't it always seem like the people who are the dumbest and rudest and least considerate wind up with no consequences in life? Not that I wanted the guy to die or anything, but maybe a little scraped knee wouldn't hurt....ah, I digress.

Next stop was Upheaval Dome, which was a fun little 2 mile hike to a crazy looking crater that was most likely caused by a meteor.

The next day we stopped at a waterfall near Ken's Lake. David took a quick shower in this waterfall after a long ride during his last biking trip to Moab a few weeks ago. He said that there's a little goat that lives at the waterfall. Apparently, it ran away from it's owner and now it lives at the waterfall where no one can get him. David saw the goat last time and wanted to take me there to see it (which should make sense to you now that you know about my complete obsession with farm animals)...but he was hiding in his little goat cave and wouldn't come out for a pictures. :( So we headed on to the Needles District.
 

The Needles are pretty remote, about 2 hours from Moab and a good hour off of the main road. It was much less crowded here (no buses full of European tourists!) and it was definitely more our pace. We found a sweet little campsite a few miles from the Park. We spent the afternoon reading, snacking and napping.

Pretty sweet place at night!

Saturday we did a 6 mile hike to Chesler Park, which where the Needles are. It was a gorgeous hike!

 We got to hike through a pretty sweet slot canyon. It was only 3 feet wide, it was so cool to be in!!!

 After our hike, we decided to head back to town and see if we could grab a hotel room before making the drive back to Colorado. Sadly, all the hotel rooms were full in Moab (it's a popular place to be!) so we drove a little ways into CO and snagged a room for the night.

Sunday, we grabbed some coffee and did a lovely 4 mile riverwalk along the Colorado River in Glenwood Canyon. It was so cool and peaceful and wonderful....I wish I were back there right now.

That's it! The highlights from our wonderful trip to the desert. It was something we both badly needed. Being in God's creation is so healing for us. It's almost impossible for us to be in nature and to feel bad. It was a good trip for our marriage too since we got to spend so much quality time together. I lost count of how many awesome conversations we had. I can't wait to go back! :)

Whirlwinds and Storms

The past 3 weeks or so have been rough. I think this has been probably my lowest low point since going off of my medication for depression. It has most certainly been my lowest low point in the last 3 years or so. I think realistically it has just been the result of grief piled on top of more grief. And it all settled on my shoulders. And then one day, it was like I suddenly felt the weight of it all.

I feel like I'm doing a little better now. I've given myself permission to do whatever I need to make this time a little easier to get through. And if that means that I don't get out of my pajamas or shower all day...so be it. And if that means that I don't want to answer the phone and talk to a friend...I won't. And if I need to leave Bible study early because certain people are triggers for me...I will. I have been an absolute mess. But I'm ok with that. I have earned the right to fall apart after the last 3 and a half years we've had. I'm not apologizing for it and I'm not ashamed of it.

Besides, I know in my life, God does some of His mightiest works and miracles when I'm in the depths. He comes right along side me and sits with me. He comforts and at the same time...He is working. I can feel Him working and moving right now....I don't know what He's up to. But I know He is up to something.

And I'm trusting that He's allowing this difficult period in my life to be for my good. In Nahum 1:3, it says "His way is in the whirlwind and the storm..." Which is why I don't feel the need to hurry up and get feeling better. I'm learning to be ok with not being ok right now. It took me a little while to allow my always optimistic heart to take a deep breath and just be still in the present whirlwind surrounding me. It's ok if things don't get better immediately. It's ok to feel like crap and to have a pity party. It's ok to be at my breaking point. Because usually, that's when God finally has room to really work and accomplish something. He is working in the midst of this storm and I know He's going to see me through it.

We've been having pretty amazing thunderstorms by my house lately. I shot this a few days ago right before the skies opened up. I'm absolutely enthralled with these storms. I just feel like I can see God in them...

Thankfully, David and I had a moment of clarity while sitting at the crossroads we've been hanging out at lately. We decided that we are going to Denver to get a second opinion. *gulp* We're set to meet with one of the best reproductive endocrinologists in the state at the end of this month. He runs one of the top reproductive speciality centers and happens to currently have some of the best success rates in the state.

Before we meet with this doctor, we are going to have a consultation with Dr. B to see if there is any other testing or protocol changes he would like us to do. I love Dr. B and I would love to continue working with him, but I feel like we need to reevaluate what we're doing. I don't want to leave his clinic, but I also don't want to keep doing what we've been doing over and over without thinking critically about why we're doing it this way.

Regardless, we feel a peace about having a second opinion before we make another move. I think it's a proactive step and will help us feel like we're covering all of our bases. I'll definitely post updates if anything ground breaking happens! And until then, I'll just be hanging out under the beautiful dark and stormy skies.

Come one....you can't tell me you don't see God working in storms....I took this one yesterday. Love!

Crossroads

We just finished our 5th failed IUI and my due date from my ectopic pregnancy is tomorrow.  So I'm probably not exactly in the healthiest mindset right now. Maybe this is just the grief talking. I'm not quite sure. But I feel like I'm at a crossroads. And I don't know which direction to go. And I don't trust the street signs.

I just feel like I've been riding the crazy train for a little too long and I'm ready to get off it. I don't really know what that means or what it looks like or what I'm even talking about. I just feel like something's gotta give.

I can't tell if we should take a break or keep moving forward. I can't tell if I should get a 2nd opinion, or trust Dr. B and stick with him. I don't know if we should keep trying more IUIs or move onto something else. I don't know if we should just quit medical intervention entirely or if we should stay the course and keep on keepin' on.

I'm terrified of making the wrong decision.

In 3+ years, I've never really felt myself at a crossroads before. I've always had a gut feeling about what steps to take next. I've never really felt lost before in this journey. Confused and hurt? Yes. But not lost. So this is pretty new for me to not really know what to do next and it's got me all twisted up. Chances are, I'm blowing this out of proportion and I need to just chill out. Yes, in fact there's a pretty high probability that I'm just over thinking this to death. No decision needs to be made today. Or even next week.

So maybe I'll just plop myself down and sit right in the middle of the intersection for a bit. Hopefully God will give us some clarity on where we go from here.

Still No

Results came back from IUI#5 exactly like I feared they might. Negative.

Gosh, this journey is hard. We've been through so much in the last 3.5 years. We've been so patient and so faithful and so positive. I'm just ready for things to start going our way. I'm ready for things to stop being so hard.

I'm going to go for a walk. Maybe some sunshine and prayer will do my heart some good...

This & That

• We just through one heck of a three day storm here in CO. We got close to 18 inches where I live! Many people were pretty upset about the snow. Yes, it's April. Yes, snow makes it hard to drive. Yes, it's cold. Yes, it should be 60 degrees instead of snowing. But, our state seriously needed this snow. Last summer, it felt like the entire state of Colorado was on fire and I for one, would love to see things go differently this summer. And for that to happen, snow is essential. So I'm a happy little snow bunny :)

• A friend of mine just emailed me today to tell me that she just had a miscarriage. I didn't know she was pregnant, but she said she lost the baby at 9 weeks. She said she wanted to tell me because I've been "through it all" and hopefully could help her through this. Gulp. I guess I've been through it all (well, not really. But I've been through a lot), so to speak. And yet, I found myself at a loss for what to say. I mean, is there really anything you can say? Nothing makes it feel better. No words can take away the pain. I guess the only thing to do is help validate her feeling and let her know that I'm praying for her. Still, I hate feeling inept at helping people.

• I booked my first 2014 wedding! It's hard to explain unless you're self-employed, but knowing that you will have income in the following year is such a relief! I fully believe the success of my photography business lies firmly in God's hands. He gives me the clients and income and He can just as easily take them away. So a wave of gratitude washed over me when my clients handed me their check at our meeting. I'm absolutely giddy that I get to do this job for another year. Thank you God for your provision!

• Last week, I had one of the most amazing moments of my life. So I love love LOVE animals. But I have a particular affection towards farm animals. Goats, sheep, cows, donkeys-I love them all. David has put up with my obsession for the last 10 years with such patience and occasionally he'll even match my enthusiasm. Whenever we are in the car and pass a field (which is umm... always because we live in ag-land and we're surrounded by farms), both hands come flying off the steering wheel as I point and scream "COW!" "Oh my gosh babe, look that that BABY DONKEY!!!!!!" "Ahhhhhhhh!!!! PONY! Hi, Pony! I love yoooooooou!!!" I'm being dead serious. This is what I do on a daily basis. So when my brother in-law's birthday rolled around and I heard he wanted to go to White Fence Farm in Denver, I was stoked because David told me they have a little barn out back with animals. We parked and I pretty much ran to the barn. And then I died. OH MY GOODNESS. Adorableness everywhere. Not only did I get to pet them, but I got to feed them too! It was probably in the Top 10 most amazing moments of my life. Right up there with my wedding day ;)

• I finally broke down and bought an iPad. Thankfully, I could expense it to my business! It's been such a fun little distraction! The most distracting part has been watching my kitties try to figure out what it is.... 

• Boston has been heavy on my heart. I just can't imagine what motivates people to go to such lengths to terrorize and kill. It makes me long for a world of peace. Maybe I'll get to witness that in my lifetime. That would be amazing. 

• Spiritual warfare has really been on my heart lately too. I'm sure to those of you who aren't Christians, this sounds like a bunch of hocus pocus. But I believe there are forces at work in this world, good and bad. There is so much that goes on behind the scenes."Things are not as they seem" as John Eldredge would say. I'm just feeling really convicted to pray against satan and his stupid schemes to try and bring us down. There is absolutely a method to his madness as he tries to keep us in bondage. It's a yucky mess, but I'm thankful that we hold power through Christ to stand up and fight against it. Jesus wins in the end anyway ;)

• I have made very little progress with the guest room. I managed to order a canvas for the wall and we bought a bed frame, so I guess that's something! The canvas is of the lyrics from one of my favorite Hillsong songs. Which by the way, Hillsong is coming to Red Rocks this summer for a concert and I am soooo going!
  
    Hope y'all have had a great week so far, have a blessed weekend! :)

IUI#5

Thank goodness IUI#5 is behind us, I'm sick and tired of being in Dr. B's office haha! In the last 7 days I've been there 6 times. Good grief!

Things didn't really pan out the way we thought it would this time around, but that's the theme of my life so it's ok! :) I was very slow to respond to the injects, which dragged out the monitoring process. I had 5 different ultrasounds this week and each time, Dr. B would say, "let's wait one more day". So I'd wait and go back in, wait and go back in. Then yesterday I go in for another ultrasound, and of course... I had already ovulated. That just goes to show, you can try and stay on top of this stuff as much as you want, but in the end, you really have no control at all.

So I had to pull David out of work for a shotgun IUI that neither of us had really expected to happen that day. He is so good about rolling with the punches and doing whatever he needs to keep moving forward with this process. I'm so lucky to have him by my side!

I don't really have a good or bad feeling about this IUI. After all, the last IUI that didn't go as planned wound up being the one that proved it is possible for me to get pregnant. So we're just kind of in "go with the flow" mode. Whatever is meant to be, will be :)

The obligatory waiting in the exam room photo :)

The Room

David and I first started dreaming of buying a home after about 6 months of trying to start a family. We lived in a smallish condo at the time and our 2nd bedroom was doubling as an office and storage room. There was hardly room to walk in there, let alone space for a crib. I remember thinking "whoa, how is this going to work when I get pregnant? We should probably look into buying a home with a little more room." And so, we did!

We had the blessing of building our home from the ground up. We got to choose everything from how many bedrooms to what our kitchen floors will look like (which, by the way, I am still madly in love with). We went with 3 bedrooms: a master bedroom, a home office for my business and a room that would hopefully be a nursery in the near future. When we first moved in, we kept the room empty. A blank canvas. I would walk by it every now and then and picture where I would put the crib, the changing table, the rocking chair.

We're 2+ years down the road from moving into our little dream house and the room still sits empty. Still a blank canvas. The walls are practically begging me paint them, or hang something on them. Something. Anything.

Our next door neighbors just sold their home and had a fire sale when they moved out. The night before they closed, they still had a room full of stuff that wouldn't fit in the moving truck they were driving to Wisconsin. Up for grabs was a couple of chairs, a new bed, a garden hose, workout equipment and some lawn furniture. They posted on Facebook that they were desperate for people to take this extra stuff off their hands. And so we did.

We bought the bed.

Whether we knew it or not, buying that bed was a pretty big step. It was the surrender of a dream that I was holding too tightly onto. It was the beginning of David and I slowly agreeing that infertility should not rule our life. It was us believing we shouldn't put our life on hold because "maybe next month will be our month". It was us saying that we're ready to just start living life again like "normal people." And normal people have guest bedrooms if they have an extra room in their house that's not in use. 

I promise, this isn't a sad thing. It's a good thing and we're at peace with it. It's not the end of my dream. It's just the willingness to accept that this dream is taking a long time and I am tired of infertility dictating how I live my life. That and I don't want to have a purposeless room in our house anymore! 

So, operation Give The Room a Purpose has begun!

I've been on Pinterest quite a bit, gathering inspiration. It's hard for me to have a blank canvas because there are just so many options. So. Many. Options. I have to make all sorts of crazy decisions like color schemes (you better believe I will not be going with grey). I love corals and whites, turquoise and browns. All the colors in our home are earth tones, so I don't want to do anything terribly drastic, but I'd also like to break away from neutrals.

And then there are more decisions to be made in terms of linens, furniture, curtains, art, decor.

The options are seriously endless! Who knew there were so many decisions involved in creating a cozy little guest room for friends and family to lay their head? But now that I'm a free woman and have time to do a little decorating, I cherish the opportunity to invest a little money and creativity into the room. Praise God for the time I have to invest in bargain hunting and staring at paint chips :)

Open Blinds

I had a perfect morning today. Curled up in my favorite comfy chair with a mug of hot coffee, I wrote in my journal, read my Bible, listened to the chirping of the birds outside and laughed as my cats obsessively watched them. I closed my eyes and felt the stillness of my home, I prayed and thanked God for his blessings. I felt the warmth of the sun coming in through the open blinds.

I loved how the shadow looked like a cross through the window. I felt like Jesus was saying "good morning!" :)

It was a morning with was no rushing around, no running out the door, no fretting about being late, no forgetting my coffee as I hurry to my car, no leaving the blinds closed all day because I don't have time to open them, no rushed goodbye kisses or forgotten lunches.

Today is my first day back to the life I have grown to love and long for. It's my first day back to just being a self-employed photographer. It's a blessing that I took for granted for 4 years and now I have it back. My world feels normal again. I can breathe! I have time to do laundry and go to the gym. I'm going to make dinner tonight without having to worry about answering emails while my pot of water boils. I think after I post this blog, I'll go read a book in the sunshine on my back patio. I could cry I'm so happy :)

I am so very grateful for that 2nd job that I took on almost a year ago. We paid off all my hospital bills with the help of that 2nd job. We paid for 2 IUIs with that 2nd job and even paid for a few home improvement projects too. I believe having that job literally saved my life and it gave me a deep appreciation for self-employment. It renewed my love for my photography business and brought me back to a place where I can truly say that I love what I do for a living.

I hardly have words to describe how I feel today. I feel whole again. I feel happier than I have been in the better part of a year. I feel free. And over all of it is a giant blanket of gratitude that this is my life. This is my life! Lucky me :)